Port Prayers part II

Heather had surgery on her chemo port this past Thursday to correct a kink in the line that was inhibiting the chemo injections to the point that the CTC staff were not comfortable using it.  We went to Dr. Montano's office on Wednesday and Heather told him (direct quote) "This thing has been in for 6 weeks, I want it fixed or I want it taken out".  Non-plussed, Dr. Montano said that the swelling should have receded to the point that surgery to fix it would be an option.  I love watching Heather when she speaks the straight truth, it's like I get to vicariously be a no-nonsense "give it to me straight" kind of person without actually having to be so outspoken.  Surgery went well, though unfortunately she is now really sore from it.  Prayers for a quick recovery and that the port will finally work.

Update for the week

As I said before, it has been a busy week for us and there's no end in sight.  Heather has been very tired and nauseated from the chemo, she has not eaten much but has found a new friend in Raisin Bran, often eating a bowl about midnightish or so, then back to bed.  I'm just grateful that she is able to keep it down.  She took a step of faith earlier this week and allowed me to shave her head with a razor as the peach fuzz from buzzing her head was starting to come out in small patches- she was apprehensive at first but held in like a champ and I only nicked her once (sorry babe).

Our kids have been with their Tia Nona and Uncle Scott for the past couple days as I have had school and work and Heather had her 3rd chemo treatment on Wednesday.  They love Scott and Nona and it has been a great help to have them, along with Mom and Becky Thompson. 

The weekend is here too fast and I have too much to do, Heather needs continued rest and support and I need a way to process through depression, frustration, and negativity, of which I am prone to.  More often than not I feel like a cross between Chicken Little and Eeyore- "The sky is falling!!!" coupled with an attitude akin to this dialog between Pooh and Eeyore: ""Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he."  

Negativity and despair are usually not the first words we associate with United States Marines or followers of Christ, but those attributes have increasingly affected how I relate to others, particularly with close loved ones, particularly with Heather.  I am adept at maintaining a friendly and easy going attitude with nearly everyone but too often Heather is exposed to the worst of my doubts and fears, which isn't exactly a comfort for her.  I love her and don't want to add to her troubles, please pray that I find a way to work this out.

Need some bed stuff

Hi, it has been a crazy week as always, but I plan on updating the blog today. First, Heather's mom will be here in a week or so and we need a queen sized box spring that we can borrow while she is here, we have a mattress but just need the box spring. Also, if anyone has a california king bed frame that we can use that would be great, we have the box springs but need a frame so Heather has an easier time getting in and out of bed. Right now her back really hurts her and having a higher bed would help.

Choose Your Own Adventure, Sort Of...

What's new?  Heather had an OB appointment with Dr. Lawerson this past week, good heart rate for the baby and talk of removing her ovaries to inhibit the production of estrogen, which is what this cancer is fed by.  The main side effect of such a procedure would be virtually going through menopause and thus weakening of the bone due to lack of estrogen, but there are supplements that one can take for bone health.  Another "possible scenario"- if they take the baby early, say- 30 or 32 weeks- Heather will have to have the C-Section in Anchorage where they have the appropriate facilities to care for a premature infant.  Treatment, travel, and scheduling will be very interesting!  We'll see what happens.

Inside and Out

My wife is beautiful.

Why We're Fighting Cancer

Where Do I Begin?

Ok, I don't even know where to start after Heathers post but I'll give it a shot.  We have resolved our issue and are trying to work towards better communication, though I will admit that I still need to vastly improve.  It has been a difficult week, Heather went in for chemo this past Wednesday at 8am and left nearly 10 hours later with only half her drugs administered- the port didn't work so after three hours they decided to do a dye test and found that she had a kink in the catheter.  Fast forward to 1:30pm and she gets the word she's going in for surgery on the port by 3:30; Pre-op is done, she's strapped to the operating table, then Dr. Montano arrives and refuses to operate, stating that he does not want to risk causing an infection by re-operating so soon.  He says to give the port another couple weeks.  

Wednesday night her hair starts to fall out, so I shave her head.  It was very difficult for her. 

Thursday they insert a central line (see pic) to use instead of the port for the time being and she gets the rest of her chemo. 

Today I went back to work for the week, but it didn't go as well as I had planned.  Initially I determined to go back to work to keep busy and stay the course but today found me deeply depressed and anxious.  I spoke with my supervisor and friend Steve about taking several days off and he was very supportive.  Honestly, I think that part of the emotional problems I've been having is due to the emotional damage I suffered from PTSD after I returned from Iraq in 2003.  Depression, anxiousness, and feelings of rage were commonplace for me back then and have started to surface now.  Though I've improved in such areas as hypervigilance, paranoia, sleeping with my combat knife, and carrying a pistol around, there are still some deep rooted emotional issues that need to be dealt with.  Who knows, maybe I'll stop by the Vet center downtown. 

If being positive is supposed to help us get through the tough times, why is it so hard to be positive?  I feel as though I should not feel hopeless or depressed, but rather victorious and beaming with potential, but I can't deny what I feel.  I tried explaining it to a friend and co-worker today- allowing myself to feel positive seems to minimize the scope of the problem, like if I'm at peace and trusting God, then this isn't such a big deal after all.  Unfortunately, this is a big deal and it is the lens that my world is now filtered through.  Every smile or laugh is met with the reminder that Heather is really sick and may die, and that's a hard place to be.  Really.  Love you guys,
Joe

How should I feel about help

This is Heather, Im writing to let everyone know how I am really feeling.  This past week I decided to get a pink ribbon tattoo, it now has alot of meaning to me and when I beat this I would like to have survivor added to it.  Some people have made it clear that they disapprove. I am ok with that!  However these people have gone as far as to tell me that I am stupid, dumb, need to grow up, and they dont want to be inconvienced by me.  Joe and I have barely spoken this last week, he has been very moody and withdrawn.  I understand its alot for him to, but I really feel like the odd guy.  So let me say, I did not ask to wake up and have cancer, if you wanna talk about an inconvience I would say cancer is pretty inconvient especially while 6 months pregnant!!! I have a baby and chemo telling my body to be tired and puke all the time, then I have a medicine telling my body not to puke, talk about confusion.  I realize this is hard for people and even shocking, but tearing me down isnt gonna help me fight, so I am saying this as politely and respectfully as possible, for my own sake anyone who wants to just tear me down I will be dismissing untill Im in better health to have that fight.  As for the tattoo, I understand if you disagree but think  about how I feel, I have been told over and over again to think about everyone elses feelings.  Now i'm ready to think about my own.  I am sorry if this seems rude, I am so grateful for the prayers and all the help that has been offered really.  As for Joe, I really need you to talk to me, we have to support each other not be against each other.  I talked to my counselor today and she was telling me how being a Christian we are supposed to be inconvienced, and I agree.  Joe I cant do this without you.  You need to open up to me, we are a team, and if you dont feel like you can talk to me yet then lets find someone you can talk to so you can get it out and start fighting with me. 

Telling the Kids

Tonight Heather really explained to the kids whats been going on and what cancer is.  Before they knew that mommy was sick and needed rest but they didn't know what it was that made her tired.  Heather's grandparents sent us the book Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings which is written in the words of a child whose mother has cancer.  You can find it here.  Joey, being the oldest, paid the most attention and asked questions, Genevieve did too, and Sammy was happy to jump on me and play with our cat, Clyde.  Heather says thank you for everything that you all have done to help us, and for the support and prayers.  If we don't thank you personally it's because we can't keep track of all the kindness that's been shown to us.

Worried

I'm kind of worried today, so many variables and unknowns in our near future. It's nice to know you all care about us though.
-Joe

No Surgery Tomorrow

Ok, Heather spoke with Dr. Montano and he's convinced that the port is operational, it's just not working because of one of the stitches that he sewed Heather up with. So no surgery tomorrow after all and he says that it should be completely functional after the stitch dissolves in a couple weeks. There's no such thing as black and white in medicine...

Oh yeah, Heather had another pregnancy ultrasound today- it's a boy :)

Surgery Tomorrow

Ok, Heather went to the CTC and they still couldn't get a blood return from Heather's port so she is scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning at 9:00. 

Port Prayers

Ok, so today is the day that we find out if Heather's chemo port is operational or not.  They will flush it with saline and try to get a blood return on it to see if it is flowing unobstructed and can receive the chemo drugs.  Last week they gave Heather an IV for the chemo but because of the number of treatments and blood draws that she'll need over the next year or so a port is certainly preferable.  Below is a picture of how the port looks and how they administer the chemo:

The CTC staff suspect that there may be a kink in the catheter, Dr. Montano thinks that the obstruction may be due to swollen tissue because they tried to access her port the day after it was implanted.  Either way, if the line isn't clear Dr. Montano will likely do surgery on Heather tomorrow and replace the port.  Though it may be necessary, it's a bummer that she may have to go through an additional surgery.  Thanks to Glenna, Stan, and all of you who have been praying for her port to work today, I'll post when we know if it does or not.