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| The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio |
That has been the single most problem I've struggled with, and I'm sure it's a product of anger, grief, and the tendency for humans to find someone to blame for our problems. Blaming gives us somthing tangible to project our anger against, and also gives us meaning to our sufferings: if I can identiful person "X" as the root cause of my circumstances, I do not have to face the fatalism of "just because". At any rate, last night we were told (via email) for the millionth time to remember the promises of Romans 8:28:
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
"All things work together for good for them who love the Lord."
Aside from "trust God", "I'm (we're) praying for you" and "Jesus is big enough to handle anything", this is one of the most common pieces of advice we are offered to ease our discomfort. Unfortunately, what the head knows and what the heart feels is often mutually exclusive, and such has been my experience. Tiny little platitudes do little to assuage the seething anger I feel when I imagine a life without my wife by my side, and our children without their mother. But for some reason, last night the well-worn Romans verse struck a different chord with me, and I told Heather- "What if this is the best thing for us? I mean, what if God thinks this is what's best for us right now?"
What if I lived as if I truly believed that? If this is the best, then perhaps we should be thankful we haven't experienced anything other than what our Father (lots of childhood issues with that concept, by the way) has for us. Perhaps "the worst" is far worse than we'll ever know, because He has kept us from it.
And that, my friends, is the de-evolution of doubt. We shall see where it leads.
Upon reflection, my observational "what if" last night wasn't a "lightbulb moment", it was more ofa final desperate grab at some kind of understanding. Kind of like when one has exhaused all options to solve a problem and resorts to the least likely, most absurd possibility. Except in this case it's not so absurd.
ReplyDeleteResolve is always the solution. Once you resolve that you are actually in this...this is happening, even though you dont want it to be...resolve will allow you to make peace and open yourself up to so much more of what is happening around all of you. If you pretend it isnt happening, try to find a reason why this is happening...you spend so much wasted time and energy. Resolve youself to this and open yourself to the gifts that are around you. The gifts like the doctors and medicine that continue to allow Heather to be here and fight. The new determination you both must have to fight this. The love and closeness you both must share that im sure most of us take for granted. The gift of every day that your family has together that im sure you dont take for granted and you do listen more and act more with kindness to one another. None of us are promised any amount of time. And tragic events that happen prove this. So many of us get angry at our loved ones, we yell, dont speak to each other for hours on end or worse...even days on end, but then get snapped back to reality when the life we thought we were living is forever changed. Someone gets sick, hurt or suddenly...unexpectedly...dies. I cant imagine the day to day struggle Heather must endure just to have more time here with her family. So try not to be angry, dont ask why...just love her and your family with all you have and appreciate the greatest gift you have....and thats more time. Love your children and continue to teach them and give them an environment to thrive in. With all you can...try to find peace so you can live and enjoy the daily gifts you have together. Big hugs and lots of love from Colorado.
ReplyDeleteJoe, read The Shack if you have time. I really liked it and it totally changed how I see and relate to God. It directly addresses our "father" image of God.
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