Port Prayers part II

Heather had surgery on her chemo port this past Thursday to correct a kink in the line that was inhibiting the chemo injections to the point that the CTC staff were not comfortable using it.  We went to Dr. Montano's office on Wednesday and Heather told him (direct quote) "This thing has been in for 6 weeks, I want it fixed or I want it taken out".  Non-plussed, Dr. Montano said that the swelling should have receded to the point that surgery to fix it would be an option.  I love watching Heather when she speaks the straight truth, it's like I get to vicariously be a no-nonsense "give it to me straight" kind of person without actually having to be so outspoken.  Surgery went well, though unfortunately she is now really sore from it.  Prayers for a quick recovery and that the port will finally work.

Update for the week

As I said before, it has been a busy week for us and there's no end in sight.  Heather has been very tired and nauseated from the chemo, she has not eaten much but has found a new friend in Raisin Bran, often eating a bowl about midnightish or so, then back to bed.  I'm just grateful that she is able to keep it down.  She took a step of faith earlier this week and allowed me to shave her head with a razor as the peach fuzz from buzzing her head was starting to come out in small patches- she was apprehensive at first but held in like a champ and I only nicked her once (sorry babe).

Our kids have been with their Tia Nona and Uncle Scott for the past couple days as I have had school and work and Heather had her 3rd chemo treatment on Wednesday.  They love Scott and Nona and it has been a great help to have them, along with Mom and Becky Thompson. 

The weekend is here too fast and I have too much to do, Heather needs continued rest and support and I need a way to process through depression, frustration, and negativity, of which I am prone to.  More often than not I feel like a cross between Chicken Little and Eeyore- "The sky is falling!!!" coupled with an attitude akin to this dialog between Pooh and Eeyore: ""Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he."  

Negativity and despair are usually not the first words we associate with United States Marines or followers of Christ, but those attributes have increasingly affected how I relate to others, particularly with close loved ones, particularly with Heather.  I am adept at maintaining a friendly and easy going attitude with nearly everyone but too often Heather is exposed to the worst of my doubts and fears, which isn't exactly a comfort for her.  I love her and don't want to add to her troubles, please pray that I find a way to work this out.

Need some bed stuff

Hi, it has been a crazy week as always, but I plan on updating the blog today. First, Heather's mom will be here in a week or so and we need a queen sized box spring that we can borrow while she is here, we have a mattress but just need the box spring. Also, if anyone has a california king bed frame that we can use that would be great, we have the box springs but need a frame so Heather has an easier time getting in and out of bed. Right now her back really hurts her and having a higher bed would help.

Choose Your Own Adventure, Sort Of...

What's new?  Heather had an OB appointment with Dr. Lawerson this past week, good heart rate for the baby and talk of removing her ovaries to inhibit the production of estrogen, which is what this cancer is fed by.  The main side effect of such a procedure would be virtually going through menopause and thus weakening of the bone due to lack of estrogen, but there are supplements that one can take for bone health.  Another "possible scenario"- if they take the baby early, say- 30 or 32 weeks- Heather will have to have the C-Section in Anchorage where they have the appropriate facilities to care for a premature infant.  Treatment, travel, and scheduling will be very interesting!  We'll see what happens.

Inside and Out

My wife is beautiful.

Why We're Fighting Cancer

Where Do I Begin?

Ok, I don't even know where to start after Heathers post but I'll give it a shot.  We have resolved our issue and are trying to work towards better communication, though I will admit that I still need to vastly improve.  It has been a difficult week, Heather went in for chemo this past Wednesday at 8am and left nearly 10 hours later with only half her drugs administered- the port didn't work so after three hours they decided to do a dye test and found that she had a kink in the catheter.  Fast forward to 1:30pm and she gets the word she's going in for surgery on the port by 3:30; Pre-op is done, she's strapped to the operating table, then Dr. Montano arrives and refuses to operate, stating that he does not want to risk causing an infection by re-operating so soon.  He says to give the port another couple weeks.  

Wednesday night her hair starts to fall out, so I shave her head.  It was very difficult for her. 

Thursday they insert a central line (see pic) to use instead of the port for the time being and she gets the rest of her chemo. 

Today I went back to work for the week, but it didn't go as well as I had planned.  Initially I determined to go back to work to keep busy and stay the course but today found me deeply depressed and anxious.  I spoke with my supervisor and friend Steve about taking several days off and he was very supportive.  Honestly, I think that part of the emotional problems I've been having is due to the emotional damage I suffered from PTSD after I returned from Iraq in 2003.  Depression, anxiousness, and feelings of rage were commonplace for me back then and have started to surface now.  Though I've improved in such areas as hypervigilance, paranoia, sleeping with my combat knife, and carrying a pistol around, there are still some deep rooted emotional issues that need to be dealt with.  Who knows, maybe I'll stop by the Vet center downtown. 

If being positive is supposed to help us get through the tough times, why is it so hard to be positive?  I feel as though I should not feel hopeless or depressed, but rather victorious and beaming with potential, but I can't deny what I feel.  I tried explaining it to a friend and co-worker today- allowing myself to feel positive seems to minimize the scope of the problem, like if I'm at peace and trusting God, then this isn't such a big deal after all.  Unfortunately, this is a big deal and it is the lens that my world is now filtered through.  Every smile or laugh is met with the reminder that Heather is really sick and may die, and that's a hard place to be.  Really.  Love you guys,
Joe