Where Do I Begin?

Ok, I don't even know where to start after Heathers post but I'll give it a shot.  We have resolved our issue and are trying to work towards better communication, though I will admit that I still need to vastly improve.  It has been a difficult week, Heather went in for chemo this past Wednesday at 8am and left nearly 10 hours later with only half her drugs administered- the port didn't work so after three hours they decided to do a dye test and found that she had a kink in the catheter.  Fast forward to 1:30pm and she gets the word she's going in for surgery on the port by 3:30; Pre-op is done, she's strapped to the operating table, then Dr. Montano arrives and refuses to operate, stating that he does not want to risk causing an infection by re-operating so soon.  He says to give the port another couple weeks.  

Wednesday night her hair starts to fall out, so I shave her head.  It was very difficult for her. 

Thursday they insert a central line (see pic) to use instead of the port for the time being and she gets the rest of her chemo. 

Today I went back to work for the week, but it didn't go as well as I had planned.  Initially I determined to go back to work to keep busy and stay the course but today found me deeply depressed and anxious.  I spoke with my supervisor and friend Steve about taking several days off and he was very supportive.  Honestly, I think that part of the emotional problems I've been having is due to the emotional damage I suffered from PTSD after I returned from Iraq in 2003.  Depression, anxiousness, and feelings of rage were commonplace for me back then and have started to surface now.  Though I've improved in such areas as hypervigilance, paranoia, sleeping with my combat knife, and carrying a pistol around, there are still some deep rooted emotional issues that need to be dealt with.  Who knows, maybe I'll stop by the Vet center downtown. 

If being positive is supposed to help us get through the tough times, why is it so hard to be positive?  I feel as though I should not feel hopeless or depressed, but rather victorious and beaming with potential, but I can't deny what I feel.  I tried explaining it to a friend and co-worker today- allowing myself to feel positive seems to minimize the scope of the problem, like if I'm at peace and trusting God, then this isn't such a big deal after all.  Unfortunately, this is a big deal and it is the lens that my world is now filtered through.  Every smile or laugh is met with the reminder that Heather is really sick and may die, and that's a hard place to be.  Really.  Love you guys,
Joe