(De)Evolution of Doubt

We have both struggled with believing the goodness of God in the midst of all that has occured, and I have faced questions that have surely vexed mankind since Eve agonized over why Cain killed Abel: if God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and completely good, then why did He allow Heather to have this disease?  Furthermore, though the bible makes it clear that He is not the author of sin and its consequences, how can He not ultimately be culpable when He gives the cosmic nod to what does and does not come to pass in His universe? 

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio

That has been the single most problem I've struggled with, and I'm sure it's a product of anger, grief, and the tendency for humans to find someone to blame for our problems.  Blaming gives us somthing tangible to project our anger against, and also gives us meaning to our sufferings: if I can identiful person "X" as the root cause of my circumstances, I do not have to face the fatalism of "just because".  At any rate, last night we were told (via email) for the millionth time to remember the promises of Romans 8:28:

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

or, as I tend to paraphrase it:

"All things work together for good for them who love the Lord."

Aside from "trust God", "I'm (we're) praying for you" and "Jesus is big enough to handle anything", this is one of the most common pieces of advice we are offered to ease our discomfort.  Unfortunately, what the head knows and what the heart feels is often mutually exclusive, and such has been my experience.  Tiny little platitudes do little to assuage the seething anger I feel when I imagine a life without my wife by my side, and our children without their mother.  But for some reason, last night the well-worn Romans verse struck a different chord with me, and I told Heather- "What if this is the best thing for us?  I mean, what if God thinks this is what's best for us right now?" 

What if I lived as if I truly believed that?  If this is the best, then perhaps we should be thankful we haven't experienced anything other than what our Father (lots of childhood issues with that concept, by the way) has for us.  Perhaps "the worst" is far worse than we'll ever know, because He has kept us from it.

And that, my friends, is the de-evolution of doubt.  We shall see where it leads.   

The Plot Thickens...

The past few months have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, unscheduled visits to the ER, and several more surgeries (11 total since Heather was diagnosed).  She completed her radiation treatment earlier this year, and attempted to reconstruct from her bilateral mastectomy, but her body did NOT like the hardware.
  It has been difficult to maintain this blog due to several factors- my inability (or unwillingness) to tap into the perspective it takes for me to write posts of substance, the general length of posts as opposed to Facebook, which I can shoot off much quicker, and my full-time work and school schedule. 
Now that it is summer, and things have changed yet again, though not for the better, I find myself revisiting this blog again.  I figure I can keep it up until Heather or I go on to glory, which I pray is many years from now.
If you haven't heard, Heather was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer as of last month when they found and biopsied four large tumors on her liver.  She was initially admitted for an infection and ended up with renal failure, which led to a CT scan, where they inadvertently found the tumors.  Surprise!!!  Heather's doctor told us that it was likely she was already a Stage 4 patient when she was first diagnosed in January 2013, they just couldn't do the necessary scans to find out until April, as she was pregnant with Josh at the time.  Regardless, Josh is such a happy and healthy baby, we love him so much! 
Blessings to all,
Joe