Happiness is Chemo in Your Rearview Mirror

Actually, happiness is a state of mind (or is it "frame of"?), or so I'm told.  Regardless, happiness hasn't been part of our vocabulary for several weeks now, as Heather has battered her way through weekly chemo treatments of Taxol that have left her in chronic pain and nausea; I initially typed that Heather had "battled her way through weekly chemo" but "battered" is much more appropriate for what she went through.
Chemo drugs work by targeting and killing off rapidly reproducing cells, which is the hallmark of how cancer grows.  Not all rapid cell growth is bad for your body- hair follicles, mouth, and intestinal lining are all parts of our bodies that regenerate quickly, unfortunately this means that those cells are also targeted by chemo as well which is why chemo patients often lose their hair, have nausea and diarrhea, and mouth sores.  In the case of Taxol, the active ingredient is derived from the bark of the Pacific Yew tree, and is cytotoxic, which means it does exactly what it sound like it does.  Essentially Taxol is poisonous to the body- yet the user ingests just enough of it not to kill them, but to kill the cancer.  For those few military history buffs that may remember this from Vietnam (or all you old people), the principle is the medical equivalent of "destroying the village to save it".  Just following orders, sir.

Regular doses of poison coupled with a full time household and all the responsibilities that come along with it have made the past couple months VERY stressful.  Through no fault of her own, Heather has been on bedrest for the majority of her chemo, which makes caring for 4 small children fairly difficult.  I have tried to work when I can but with limited help on the homefront I've tried to split my responsibilities the best I've been able to but never seem to get anything fruitful done.  I put it to one of my co-workers this way:

"I have felt that I've done just enough to do poorly at all of them."

Nonetheless, we've reached the end (hopefully) of Heather's chemo treatments and have passed from death into light (hopefully).  I don't like speaking in absolutes when it comes to good news, so I choose to remain hopeful.  Hopefully.  Next on the treatment plan is radiation five days a week for five weeks, starting in the near future.  Each session should only be a 1/2 hour at most and side effects are said to be minimal, so here's hoping they actually are.  Heather can use the rest and her body can use time to heal up from chemo.  She continues to be an inspiration to me, at least when I'm not being a stubborn mule (to put it kindly).  There are too many times I've been quick to criticize and doubt when I should have supported and loved.  I need to work on that for Heather, for the kids, for no other reason than if I can't ease her pain, I surely can see to it that she'll never walk alone again.      



From One Marine to Another

I'm no cancer survivor expert, but I offered my experiences to a friend of mine with whom I served with in the Marines, he recently wrote me after his fiancee was diagnosed with cancer.  Maybe this will be a small bit of help to someone out there.

"Bummer for sure- we are still in treatment but things are looking better for us. The number 1 rule is to be FLEXIBLE! There are so many factors to consider like treatment, lab work, tests, paperwork, ect that it is very unlikely that you will be able to plan out the next few months. Take it day by day, and sometimes hour by hour. Your fiancee may feel good in the a.m. and bad in the p.m. or vice versa, just stay flexible and know that it will get better eventually. Also, get used to hospital visits and long waits, it'll happen. Another thing I learned is to take any news about her condition from the docs with a grain of salt as it may be subject to change or may be wrong altogether. We have received updates on Heathers condition that have changed several times as other tests are done and new information is reviewed. So yeah, stay flexible and don't expect concrete answers, there's always another test to do.  Oh yeah, when all is said and done, how do you want to remember how you handled the stress and experience of having cancer? You guys will still fight and argue some, that's normal, but still try to remember that when times are tough and stress is high. Let me know how things go."

When we found out that Heather had cancer, I knew that my art would have a place somewhere in the emotional storm that we found ourselves awash in, I just didn't know when, where, or how it would come to pass. Last night everything seemed so right- Heather, Josh, and I were in bed and there was some really amazing and clean window light that gave a sense of depth to these photos. I haven't felt like shooting much with my DSLR as of late and my creativity has been sapped by an overall lack of purpose for my art.  These photos started out as a fun little snapshot session, but after Heather and Josh went to sleep, I couldn't turn off my mind, and this is the result.  Much of my favorite art photos I've taken are a melding of spontaneity and good composition.  I thank God for my gift, and for my family.
P.S.- If you want to view it full size just click on it.

Good News Today

We've been anxiously awaiting the results from Heathers bone biopsy last week as our future hung on by a infinitesimal thread- Stage IV or remission?  After several months of guessing games, I think we've come to the point where we try to rest in the moment as much as possible.  We made it through last week fairly well and had an almost normal few days, which was great though yesterday I was struck by an immense wave of sadness because I knew that the biopsy results would be back within the next few days and the possibility of Heather being terminal was very real.  I was morose, smiling politely at customers, but I'm willing to bet that my eyes betrayed what my forced smile was trying to cover up.  Talking to Heather later in the evening seemed to help and I was soon in manageable state of mind- enough so to do some yardwork.  
It's odd, but when the sun is shining, steak is on the grill, and your wife is happy, dark days fade away- and yet, they are never really gone, just overpowered by the happiness of the moment.  Anyway, today the clouds parted and we got some good news- the biopsy came back negative for cancer so as of 5/14/2012 Heather is in remission.  After bouts of excitment and unrestrained relief, we both know that it's time to buckle down and carry on with the mission- chemotherapy weekly for 12 weeks, both Taxol and Herceptin, then Herceptin every three weeks for a year.  Heather is a tough girl- she stood up to cancer and refused to let it take her baby, and her body bears the beautiful scars of a battle well fought.  We've fallen many times within the last few months, but the love and support of our family (yes, all of you who read this) has sustained us in our lowest moments.  Life goes on and we'll take it as it comes.  What else is there to do, but to live?   

Bone Biopsy Today

A quick update:
After two previous attempts, it looks like today will be the day of great success, as the bone specialist here at FMH will be performing a biopsy on Heathers spine.  The initial biopsy attempt was in Anchorage, the second was up here with a doctor that felt that waiting a few extra days would allow the current doctor to exercise his specialty and get the best results. 
Among the false starts and delays there has been a bit of good news- Dr. Cox reviewed an old CT scan from 2006 and found that the spot on her sacrum which was thought to be cancer was actually present in 2006, which leaves just one fire still burning, that in her spine.  Provided all goes well today, we should get the results back in a week or so, generally the results come back much sooner as the pathologist tests the specimen here in town, but they may have to send it down to Seattle instead.  Joshua is doing well but we both miss him very much.  He was scheduled to be transferred to FMH this week but still has some developing to do, his breathing is being supplemented with an oxygen flow of 6 liters and he should be down to 3 liters before he comes home to Fairbanks.  It pains me to leave him in Anchorage, as the Lower 48 air can't be good for him, but soon enough he'll be back in God's country ;)  Keep your heads up!

Back at Home

Heather is back at home and today we are at the Cancer Treatment Center to see Dr. Cox, we will see what the treatment plan is, who knows what the next step is.

Of Bagels and Biopsies (oh yeah, and chemo drugs too)

Heather just got out of our visit to the Katmai Cancer Center here in Anchorage, we met with Dr. Susan Delgalvis to further discuss Heathers latest diagnosis. Dr. Delgalvis went over the scan results with the radiologist this morning and she is fairly confident that the cancer has spread to her spine and sacral area, which is by the tailbone, not by the hip as previously thought. She spoke with Dr. Cox back in Fairbanks, which judging by the Facebook pictures I've seen today, looks beautiful- and formulated a plan of action. She is going to schedule a biopsy for the tumor on Heather's spine and hopefully get the results sometime this week. If it is confirmed to be cancer, then Heather gets bumped from Stage 3 to Stage 4 cancer- there is no Stage 5, if you get my drift. If that's the case, then Heathers care plan changes as well, she was originally supposed to have intensive chemotherapy treatments of Taxol which slows the spread of cancer cells, and Herceptin, which specifically targets the cell receptors that “tell” a cell to grow and divide, in her case, the cancer is caused by too many cell receptors telling the cells to grow, thus resulting in rapid growth of cancer (see picture). If she is diagnosed as Stage 4, she will only receive the Herceptin, and that every three weeks. The doctors that be would like to save the actual chemotherapy for if she has a major outbreak of cancer growth so they can beat it back into submission (hopefully).

Read a USA Today article on Herceptin and breast cancer here.   Make sure to read to the end of the article.  Did I mention I'm desperately grateful I have medical insurance?

Heather had her first infusion of Herceptin today, it comes in a clear fluid, unlike the red fluid that Adriamycin comes in. I guess that Herceptin can cause some pretty sever immediate side effects to first time users, such as shortness of breath, lowered blood pressure, and others, so the initial infusion is used to monitor if she would have any negative side effects. Fortunately, she simply went to sleep after eating a bagel I bought her at the cafe downstairs. The infusion was uneventful, other than her sending me down for another bagel and a croissant sandwich (who knew toxic chemicals would stir up such an appetite?). A small bit of positive outcome is welcome with all that has gone on as of late, and hopefully this means that she will not have any major side effects in the future, at least with the Herceptin. As such, she will receive Herceptin every three weeks for the rest of her natural life, and here's hoping that will be many years down the road.

Metastasis Blues

After a weekend of uncertainty waiting for the results of her bone and CT scan, Heathers test results came back today and showed a miniscule spot on her liver, as well as two spots in her bone, one on her hip and one on her lower spine.  The liver spot is too small to biopsy and it is not certain that it is cancer, but the bone spots are likely cancerous and will need to be biopsied.  If it is bone cancer, it is incurable and can only be managed to impede its progress.  Due to the variables of Heathers type of breast cancer we have to go day by day- she could live for mere months or several years, we just don't know.  We're experiencing the same range of emotions that we had when she was first diagnosed- for me, sorrow, rage, and helplessness over the lack of control of the situation.  Part of me is begging for some random person to pick a fight with me, the other part of me wants my M249 SAW back and a few thousands rounds of ammunition to burn through out in the middle of nowhere. Obviously these thoughts are not rational and not very helpful to the situation at hand, but man, this news is enough to make me fairly upset!  Heather is worried about how we are going to tell the kids about this and how long she's going to have to have chemo and treatment, which means chronic illness and pain.  The flip side of this is that we already knew that she was dying, as we all are dying in some way or another, we were just reminded the certainty of that fact.  We will work through this a day at a time and do our best to enjoy our family time together.   

Update

It's been a while since I've updated the blog- Heather's been in Anchorage with Joshua since April 4th when he was born, he's been doing well and of today weighs 3 lbs.  He's really opening his eyes and looking more and more like a normal baby, in the sense that he is not so squishy looking :)  Heather had a bone scan and CT on thursday to see if the cancer has spread in her body since she was diagnosed.  We would have liked to find out on Friday but alas, we must wait until monday.  We are both a bit nervous and perhaps a bit cautiously optimistic that everything will be fine.  Either way, Heather will be starting up her chemo treatment this next week and will receive chemo every week for the next three months, then every three weeks for the next year.  It's been difficult being apart as I've been up in Fairbanks with Joey so we can continue school and work, it's painfully obvious that I make a poor single parent, Heather is really a blessing and the glue that keeps our household running smoothly.  Did I mention that she's also good looking?  Since she's gone hairless she has been the reluctant recipient of dozens of comments on how beautiful her complexion and head is!  There is hope on the horizon, it's nearly summer, Josh will likely be transferred to Fairbanks Memorial Hospital in a couple weeks, and Joey and I are nearly done with school (really cant wait for that one).  Thanks to all of you for your support, both financially and spiritually, it has been a great help.

Catching up

Ok, I realize that it's been about three weeks since I've updated this blog and alot has transpired in that time: Heathers mastectomy went well, she spend a week in the hospital recovering and has now had the chest tube drains removed.  In addition to her breasts the doctors also removed several lymph nodes in her right armpit. 
Due to pain complications, we have been in the hospital every day since her surgery, though we did skip a day when we first got home from the surgery every other day since then has been spent at the cancer center, the ER, or down here at Providence in Anchorage, where we are currently.  Being at Providence is a development all its own, we came down this past weekend to see the neonatologist on Monday to see about delivering our baby sometime in mid-April.  The delivery date has been in constant flux, first we planned on April, then May, then back to April again.  Yesterday we found out that the doctor wanted to deliver Heather today at 4:30 pm, so that is the new timeline.
The baby will have to stay here at Providence for at least a month and a half as he will only be 29 weeks as of today, his original due date was June 22.  Heather is planning on staying down here with him and continuing her cancer treatment down here for the time being, I will be back and forth from Fairbanks as I still need to go to work, and somehow the kids will fit into all of that crazy schedule.  We will see how the next couple months go.

Mastectomy today

Today's the big day, Heather has her double mastectomy today, hopefully it will remove the cancer.

Surgeries, Masses, and Baby

Last wednesday I had my last round chemo before the masectomy.  An ultrasound was done and showed that the masses in the breast had gone from a 3.2 to 2.8 and the lymph nodes 1.8 to 1.5.  So the chemo has been working at shrinking the cancer however not a major improvement.  I had also this last monday had a blood transfusion and a booster shot which tells my bones to produce more white blood cells.  On friday my counts had dropped from 13,000 to 8,000 which is expected after chemo, the normal person sohuld have counts about 10,000.  Joe being the loving husband that he is shareemod his horrible head cold with me after my chemo, as the days went on I was getting weaker and sicker.  Today is sunday and I thought I should finally go to the ER and be checked as I felt very weak unable to fight this illness.  I was sure that my counts had dropped more and that is why I was getting weaker, dizzy, light-headed, etc.  I told my mom its time for me to be checked out.  The ER doc checked my blood counts only to let me know that my counts were 0.07!! Basically my body was not producing any white blood cells, they talked to me about admission but decided that my immune system was non-existant at this point and didnt want to risk me getting any sicker in the hospital, so I had lots of fluid pumped in as well as a good dose of antibiotics to help fight anything that might be hanging or stirring around.  On Monday the 19th I am scheduled for a bi-lateral masectomy with lymph node removal, followed by another dose of chemo.  This is normally an outpatient procedure but I did request that I stay in hospital for at least 2 nights.  Baby was also checked, I had another ultrasound and little Joshua weighs just over a pound and has a very strong heartbeat and growing very well with no concerns at all.  I was going to have to go to anchorage to deliver early  but because the masses had shrunk my oncologist says that I can wait till 30wks to deliver.  FMH said they will not deliver me at 30wks and I must go to anchorage however if I waited till 31wks they would allow the doctors to deliver me here.  So since it was only a week difference I got the OK from the cancer doc to wait another week and baby Joshua will be joining us May 1st at 8am here at FMH.  Since it is spring break and my counts are next to nothing, I will be getting the booster shot and need lots of rest so that they can operate on the 19th, I need my kiddos to go visit people for a few days maybe 2 nights or so, that way I can work on getting a bit stronger.  My mom has been cleaning out garage since we had the flood fixed and I was wondering if someone with a truck would be willing to come and let me fill back for a major dump run.  We again are out wood if anyone can donate any that would be appreciated.  I also have a 80 gallon hot water heater that needs to be installed I got an estimate of 400.00 to install, but if anyone can do it cheaper please let me know.  Right now we have a 30 gal heater that just doesnt let me take a bath before we run out of hot water.  I want to say thank you to everyone who has been helping us out, I have been truely blessed by everyone, I cant remember everything and specifically who has done what, but God has truely been there for me and I dont know how I can repay everyone for loving and supporting us so much.  Your prayers and thoughts get me through everyday.  I love you all and again thank you so much for being there and helping us fight!

Colds and Cancer

Pray that Heathers white blood cells stay strong, I have had a nasty cold for the past week and Heather is coming down with it now. Things are tough enough for her as it is and a cold is just enother drain on her body.

Port Prayers part II

Heather had surgery on her chemo port this past Thursday to correct a kink in the line that was inhibiting the chemo injections to the point that the CTC staff were not comfortable using it.  We went to Dr. Montano's office on Wednesday and Heather told him (direct quote) "This thing has been in for 6 weeks, I want it fixed or I want it taken out".  Non-plussed, Dr. Montano said that the swelling should have receded to the point that surgery to fix it would be an option.  I love watching Heather when she speaks the straight truth, it's like I get to vicariously be a no-nonsense "give it to me straight" kind of person without actually having to be so outspoken.  Surgery went well, though unfortunately she is now really sore from it.  Prayers for a quick recovery and that the port will finally work.

Update for the week

As I said before, it has been a busy week for us and there's no end in sight.  Heather has been very tired and nauseated from the chemo, she has not eaten much but has found a new friend in Raisin Bran, often eating a bowl about midnightish or so, then back to bed.  I'm just grateful that she is able to keep it down.  She took a step of faith earlier this week and allowed me to shave her head with a razor as the peach fuzz from buzzing her head was starting to come out in small patches- she was apprehensive at first but held in like a champ and I only nicked her once (sorry babe).

Our kids have been with their Tia Nona and Uncle Scott for the past couple days as I have had school and work and Heather had her 3rd chemo treatment on Wednesday.  They love Scott and Nona and it has been a great help to have them, along with Mom and Becky Thompson. 

The weekend is here too fast and I have too much to do, Heather needs continued rest and support and I need a way to process through depression, frustration, and negativity, of which I am prone to.  More often than not I feel like a cross between Chicken Little and Eeyore- "The sky is falling!!!" coupled with an attitude akin to this dialog between Pooh and Eeyore: ""Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he."  

Negativity and despair are usually not the first words we associate with United States Marines or followers of Christ, but those attributes have increasingly affected how I relate to others, particularly with close loved ones, particularly with Heather.  I am adept at maintaining a friendly and easy going attitude with nearly everyone but too often Heather is exposed to the worst of my doubts and fears, which isn't exactly a comfort for her.  I love her and don't want to add to her troubles, please pray that I find a way to work this out.

Need some bed stuff

Hi, it has been a crazy week as always, but I plan on updating the blog today. First, Heather's mom will be here in a week or so and we need a queen sized box spring that we can borrow while she is here, we have a mattress but just need the box spring. Also, if anyone has a california king bed frame that we can use that would be great, we have the box springs but need a frame so Heather has an easier time getting in and out of bed. Right now her back really hurts her and having a higher bed would help.

Choose Your Own Adventure, Sort Of...

What's new?  Heather had an OB appointment with Dr. Lawerson this past week, good heart rate for the baby and talk of removing her ovaries to inhibit the production of estrogen, which is what this cancer is fed by.  The main side effect of such a procedure would be virtually going through menopause and thus weakening of the bone due to lack of estrogen, but there are supplements that one can take for bone health.  Another "possible scenario"- if they take the baby early, say- 30 or 32 weeks- Heather will have to have the C-Section in Anchorage where they have the appropriate facilities to care for a premature infant.  Treatment, travel, and scheduling will be very interesting!  We'll see what happens.

Inside and Out

My wife is beautiful.

Why We're Fighting Cancer

Where Do I Begin?

Ok, I don't even know where to start after Heathers post but I'll give it a shot.  We have resolved our issue and are trying to work towards better communication, though I will admit that I still need to vastly improve.  It has been a difficult week, Heather went in for chemo this past Wednesday at 8am and left nearly 10 hours later with only half her drugs administered- the port didn't work so after three hours they decided to do a dye test and found that she had a kink in the catheter.  Fast forward to 1:30pm and she gets the word she's going in for surgery on the port by 3:30; Pre-op is done, she's strapped to the operating table, then Dr. Montano arrives and refuses to operate, stating that he does not want to risk causing an infection by re-operating so soon.  He says to give the port another couple weeks.  

Wednesday night her hair starts to fall out, so I shave her head.  It was very difficult for her. 

Thursday they insert a central line (see pic) to use instead of the port for the time being and she gets the rest of her chemo. 

Today I went back to work for the week, but it didn't go as well as I had planned.  Initially I determined to go back to work to keep busy and stay the course but today found me deeply depressed and anxious.  I spoke with my supervisor and friend Steve about taking several days off and he was very supportive.  Honestly, I think that part of the emotional problems I've been having is due to the emotional damage I suffered from PTSD after I returned from Iraq in 2003.  Depression, anxiousness, and feelings of rage were commonplace for me back then and have started to surface now.  Though I've improved in such areas as hypervigilance, paranoia, sleeping with my combat knife, and carrying a pistol around, there are still some deep rooted emotional issues that need to be dealt with.  Who knows, maybe I'll stop by the Vet center downtown. 

If being positive is supposed to help us get through the tough times, why is it so hard to be positive?  I feel as though I should not feel hopeless or depressed, but rather victorious and beaming with potential, but I can't deny what I feel.  I tried explaining it to a friend and co-worker today- allowing myself to feel positive seems to minimize the scope of the problem, like if I'm at peace and trusting God, then this isn't such a big deal after all.  Unfortunately, this is a big deal and it is the lens that my world is now filtered through.  Every smile or laugh is met with the reminder that Heather is really sick and may die, and that's a hard place to be.  Really.  Love you guys,
Joe

How should I feel about help

This is Heather, Im writing to let everyone know how I am really feeling.  This past week I decided to get a pink ribbon tattoo, it now has alot of meaning to me and when I beat this I would like to have survivor added to it.  Some people have made it clear that they disapprove. I am ok with that!  However these people have gone as far as to tell me that I am stupid, dumb, need to grow up, and they dont want to be inconvienced by me.  Joe and I have barely spoken this last week, he has been very moody and withdrawn.  I understand its alot for him to, but I really feel like the odd guy.  So let me say, I did not ask to wake up and have cancer, if you wanna talk about an inconvience I would say cancer is pretty inconvient especially while 6 months pregnant!!! I have a baby and chemo telling my body to be tired and puke all the time, then I have a medicine telling my body not to puke, talk about confusion.  I realize this is hard for people and even shocking, but tearing me down isnt gonna help me fight, so I am saying this as politely and respectfully as possible, for my own sake anyone who wants to just tear me down I will be dismissing untill Im in better health to have that fight.  As for the tattoo, I understand if you disagree but think  about how I feel, I have been told over and over again to think about everyone elses feelings.  Now i'm ready to think about my own.  I am sorry if this seems rude, I am so grateful for the prayers and all the help that has been offered really.  As for Joe, I really need you to talk to me, we have to support each other not be against each other.  I talked to my counselor today and she was telling me how being a Christian we are supposed to be inconvienced, and I agree.  Joe I cant do this without you.  You need to open up to me, we are a team, and if you dont feel like you can talk to me yet then lets find someone you can talk to so you can get it out and start fighting with me. 

Telling the Kids

Tonight Heather really explained to the kids whats been going on and what cancer is.  Before they knew that mommy was sick and needed rest but they didn't know what it was that made her tired.  Heather's grandparents sent us the book Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings which is written in the words of a child whose mother has cancer.  You can find it here.  Joey, being the oldest, paid the most attention and asked questions, Genevieve did too, and Sammy was happy to jump on me and play with our cat, Clyde.  Heather says thank you for everything that you all have done to help us, and for the support and prayers.  If we don't thank you personally it's because we can't keep track of all the kindness that's been shown to us.

Worried

I'm kind of worried today, so many variables and unknowns in our near future. It's nice to know you all care about us though.
-Joe

No Surgery Tomorrow

Ok, Heather spoke with Dr. Montano and he's convinced that the port is operational, it's just not working because of one of the stitches that he sewed Heather up with. So no surgery tomorrow after all and he says that it should be completely functional after the stitch dissolves in a couple weeks. There's no such thing as black and white in medicine...

Oh yeah, Heather had another pregnancy ultrasound today- it's a boy :)

Surgery Tomorrow

Ok, Heather went to the CTC and they still couldn't get a blood return from Heather's port so she is scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning at 9:00. 

Port Prayers

Ok, so today is the day that we find out if Heather's chemo port is operational or not.  They will flush it with saline and try to get a blood return on it to see if it is flowing unobstructed and can receive the chemo drugs.  Last week they gave Heather an IV for the chemo but because of the number of treatments and blood draws that she'll need over the next year or so a port is certainly preferable.  Below is a picture of how the port looks and how they administer the chemo:

The CTC staff suspect that there may be a kink in the catheter, Dr. Montano thinks that the obstruction may be due to swollen tissue because they tried to access her port the day after it was implanted.  Either way, if the line isn't clear Dr. Montano will likely do surgery on Heather tomorrow and replace the port.  Though it may be necessary, it's a bummer that she may have to go through an additional surgery.  Thanks to Glenna, Stan, and all of you who have been praying for her port to work today, I'll post when we know if it does or not.

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to my dear wife Heather and little buddy Sammy, who is now three whole years old.

Port Problems part II

The port that Dr. Montano put in last Tuesday continued to give the staff at the CTC trouble during her first chemo treatment last Wednesday, they were unable to give her the chemo drug in her port as it is very toxic and they could not guarantee that it wouln't leak into other areas of her body, causing complications.  They also weren't able to draw blood from it like they should have been able to.  The initial word from the doctor was that the port may have had a kink in it and would have to be replaced if it was not operational by this next Wednesday.  Please pray that her port is operational by Wednesday so she won't have to go through surgery again.   

A Brief Word on Church Tonight

Many times have I climbed the slopes of Zion, only to be dashed among the rocks of Sinai, yet the hands and feet of the pilgrims of God bind my wounds and carry me to Zion again.  As they've done for me, do for each other.

Running for Heather

My time in Iraq was depressing, exciting, and brutal, sometimes all in the same day.  Doc Lowry (first name Nick) was our squad corpsman and he cared for my mental health as well as my physical health by being my closest friend in Iraq (Read more here).  I hadn't spoken with Nick since 2004 until I found him on Facebook last year; he and his wife Nicki live in Texas and both are active among veterans and their families in their area, including one of Nicki's projects, Warrior Wives of Warriors Weekend.  Though we have never met her, Nicki has been diligent to spread the word to pray for Heather's condition .  I received a great message from her today- her group from the Warrior Wives have signed up to participate in the Texas Coast Tough Mudder event.  These events are built upon the principles of mental endurance, teamwork, and perseverance.  Kinda reminds me of the Marines.  Anyway, Nicki told me that her team is going to be wearing white ribbons, symbolizing hope, to honor Heather and her battle with cancer.  It was very touching and humbling to realize complete strangers care about a stranger in need- I wish I had a 1/4th of that compassion.  Go get 'em Nicki, Semper Fi!

Firewood

We've received open ended offers of help from dozens of people since Monday.  It's overwhelming to know that we have such a support system pulling for us and ready to help, I only hope that we have the chance to return the kindness you all have expressed.  I talked with a breast cancer navigator at the Cancer Treatment Center today, she also happens to be a familiar co-worker, with whom I've taught many Non-Violent Crisis Intervention classes with at FMH.  The topic of accepting help came up and I voiced my trepidation at asking for resources in such a hard economy, but she assured me that it was appropiate to do so, sooo...

We could really use some firewood, we have heating fuel but thanks to our cold spell we've been using it an obscene rate, plus thanks to the cold, our living room and dining area stay at around 5 degrees colder than where the dial is set.  This summer was filled with work and we did not have time to get enough wood to see us through the winter.  If anyone could spare some that would be great, or if you know where to get a decent cord for under 250 that would be awesome.  Accepting that I cannot reasonably provide firewood for my family at this time is hard to swallow, but I have nothing to lose by asking.  Thanks. 

Up at 0430 and off to work- life goes on...

The First 24hrs After

Here I am 24hrs after my first treatment, I have been sleeping.  I guess im catching up from not sleeping since I found out on Monday.  Early this morning was hard, I had my breakdown with lots of tears.  I was crying because of my kids.  The disease is in the bag, I can do this, but to be away from my children who are my whole world is the hardest.  I know and  trust everyone they are with, and I know they are well taken care of, but for a mom who hasnt been away from her kids much since they were born is hard.  I want my kids to know that mommy is sick but will be ok and i dont want them scared of me  when I am bald or when I do spend so much time in bed.  The main thing I want everyone to know is I  am not looking for a pity party, I am great, I believe that deep down I knew this wasnt just some infection, I believe that God somehow showed me what I was about to face and I have been researching cancer for a few months now.  I am not scared of the disease, or one day dying.  I am at peace with this whole thing, and for those that know me....I am a fighter!  I was talking to the surgeon the other day that placed the port and he said I was such a fighter, it was supposed to be a mild sedation and when I said "ok I'm done, time to leave" he knew I had to be put fully under because I tried to get off the table and leave the room.  I laughed so hard when he told me that, I dont remember a thing but I do know that is me all the way!!!  My mom is having a very hard time with this.  I love you mom, and I'm ok.  I promise.  Im going back to bed now, I'll talk with everyone later.

Hello

Hello, everyone this is heather. I am home, it was a long day. Short version there was no return blood flow from my port, theres a kink in the line. Dr. Montano says maybe due to lots of breast tissue or the swelling from surgery. Next wednesday is a blood draw and they are gonna try to draw from port, if it doest work guess what....... Yes you guessed it, back to the OR to have it replaced in the septum. Only side effect thus far is hot flashes. My hair should be completely gone by next treatment which is 2 wks from now. Thank you everyone for your prayers, im truely struggling with accepting help and kids being away. Please dont get upset if i dont answer a text or message right away i will keep everyone updated. Other then tired and fatigue, i am truely doing good. I have fully
Accepted my disease and am able to fight. God is on my side, i will get through this! Going to 
rest now, love everyone

1st treatment done, headed home

Chemo's flowing. Adriamycin.

Port Problems

Heather was scheduled to start chemo at 8 but the've had trouble accessing the port she had put in yesterday. They need a longer needle to ensure the meds are going where they should be, rumor has it that Materials Management has one. We're at the Cardiology Clinic to get an EKG to make sure her heart is healthy as chemo may weaken her heart. Nothing is ever simple with the medical field.

At the CTC waiting to start chemo

What Stage?

Oh yeah, it's Stage IIIb cancer.

Infusaport

Heather got her Infusaport today.  Since she will be getting IV chemo treatments every other week for the next year, as well as weekly blood draws, the infusaport is a less invasive way to access her veins.  Instead of starting a new IV site every time the CTC staff can access the port directly.  She gets her stitches out tomorrow and the port is just under her skin.  She's up and awake, though a little sore.  First chemo starts tomorrow.

Breast Cancer

We found out that Heather had inflammatory breast cancer yesterday morning.  Heather first noticed pain and swelling in her right breast last month, but being pregnant, we thought that it may have been a swollen milk duct or perhaps an infection.  Heather told her OB doctor, Dr. Lawerson of the pain and he suggested that it may have been mastitis, a type of breast infection.  An ultrasound revealed that she had a large mass and several smaller masses in her breast and armpit.  He referred her to surgeon Dr. Montano, who suspected that it may have been a staph infection, and Heather was started on a regimen of antibiotics.  Long story short, Heather became ill from the antibiotics and was admitted to the hospital last Thursday.  While she was in the hospital they continued medication with a different antibiotic and took a biopsy from her breast and armpit.  Heather was discharged last Sunday after improving and we awaited the test results on Monday. 

Her OB, Dr. Lawerson, called yesterday morning and left a message on Heather's cell phone.  "Heather, call be back right away about your test results, you can reach me on my cell."  "That's not good" said Heather, and I, the eternal optimist, replied "well, it could be good."  My heart sank when I saw Heathers eyes well up with tears.  "It is?" she said.  "Ok, then lets do it".  Dr. Lawerson told her that she had an aggresive form of inflammatory breast cancer and that she needed to schedule an appointment with the J. Michael Carroll Cancer Treatment Center immediately.  She got an appointment that same day. 

At the CTC we met with Dr. Jacqueline Cox, who gave us the prognosis: Heathers cancer was Her2 cancer, which meant that it was "fed" by hormones such as estrogen, and, being, several months pregnant, her body had been producing increased amounts of estrogen.  Dr. Cox gave us the plan: chemotherapy once a week for four weeks, every other week, then a full masectomy on her right breast in March.  Deliver the baby in June, then a year of more chemo and radiation.  Heather can't have the surgery right now because immediate action is needed to keep the cancer cells from spreading into the rest of her body.  Luckily the initial chemo treatment does not cross the placenta and will not hurt the baby. 

We are both scared and hoping for the best.  Our lives have just changed, but we have each other and loving friends and family, plus a God that cares for us.