Hope is here

Hello everyone. I know that is has been a long time since we have written anything on here, theres so much to share.  Some of you that are around me may have noticed my spiral into a darker place of loneliness, fear, addiction, anger.  Last year was a road I never want to travel again.  After so long of pain from all the chemo drugs I had been given, I became addicted physically to dilaudid. There was no mental addiction but my body needed that drug.  It's a monster drug thats 10x's stronger then morphine just to give you an idea.  When my levels were high enough of this IV pain medicine, I would mentally be so numb and have no idea whats happening around me.  Joe said that in those times I seemed totally coherent and able to make decisions, however I have no memory of them at all.  I was told that my behavior was horrible and if I wasn't given the drug then I would get upset and yell at the staff in the cancer center and hospital.  I eventually checked myself into rehab as that was the only to save myself and my marriage.  It was a 7 day treatment program, I thought it would be very helpful.  The PA that was there was actually a member of my church. That was weird for me and embarrassing, but he remained very positive and helpful, treated me like a person and wanted to help me so much.  I made it through 3 days then left.  In this facility there were people that had lots of different addiction troubles, some were addicted to alcohol so much that they would deficate in places other then the bathroom because they had no idea where they were or what was going on.  There were people in there that were heroin addicted that shoot up themselves, I felt like I didn't fit in.  I tried to tell Joe and the PA (which for privacy reasons i'm going to name John)  that I wasn't addicted mentally and that I didn't do this to myself, the doctors kept prescribing it and the nurses kept giving it.  I'm not placing blame on anyone as I know I am partly to blame.  I don't really know why I let things get so bad, I think there was the issue of dying before I was ready and joe threatening me with our marriage.  I put joe through so much and he was getting tired, he had to go to school and work full time while dealing with all of our children and then there was me.  I wanted to be so numb and not feel, I wanted to escape this life that was getting harder and harder.  In this I lost some good friends and hurt people around me.  This was never my intention and I tried to make things right it was too late the relationship was already damaged.  Fast forward a few months, we found out about the 4 large tumors while I was in the hospital for something else then ended up with renal failure as well, because it's me and everything happens to me.  The liver is a vital organ, and my treatment plan had failed now what do we do?  Joe and I made an appt. at MD Anderson in Phoenix, Arizona.  They are the #1 cancer center in the counrty.  I met with a specialist whom had already reviewed my files because I had sent them down prior with all my scans.  We were hoping for some hope to be restored.  The dr. said not to give up but that there was nothing that could be done my cancer was to advanced.  That crushed me and I know it crushed Joe.  We came home with the news that I would be lucky to have another year with my family.  I sunk again into some depression.  Here I was trying to plan my funeral, have some legal papers set up giving joe total control as to what was going to happen with my body and drafting my obituary.  Wow, 30yrs old and this is what I had to do.  I lost God in all of this and so joe.  There was so much hate, so much anger, feelings of betrayal.    Where was he? I reached out to someone I consider a friend, in fact everyone at the living water ministries.  There was so much support and prayer.  You see in all of the turmoil, I felt alone.  I was separate from my church family a lot of that was due to me being withdrawn.  There was also some rumors that had been started by someone I had never met, and one of the rumors was about me talking bad about my church family, and how people felt lied to and used.  That is the other reason I stayed away, I didn't know who felt that way or not.  I talked with lots of people and was assured that they never felt that they had been lied to or used.  But after something like that being said it was hard to feel comfortable.  I'm sure I will hear how this information is not needed and I'm stirring the pot.  I assure you i'm not.  It was all part of my feeling alone, and joe had been through so much and he was dealing with his PTSD growing stronger and that didn't exactly bring us closer either.  I finally had to take control of my life and do something to help things get better.  After I kicked the IV dilaudid and had a clear head, I went to everyone that had ever helped me in the hospital, friends, family and the staff at the cancer center and I made things right.  It was so hard to go to them and say that I have no memory of things I said or did but that I was taking responsibility for my actions and though I couldn't go back and fix them I could apologize.  Thankfully majority of the people forgave me, they knew the real me and the person they saw a glimpse of wasn't me at all.  The next step was to find a way to extend my life.  I had done a lot of research on natural medicine (I have never been one for that).  I kept coming across chloraphyll.  Our bodies are naturally acidic and what the chloraphyll does is lower the Ph levels in our bodies and raise the alkaline levels.  From what I had read the higher the alkaline levels are, it makes it virtually impossible for disease and "itis" to grow.  Basically any inflammation.  So my doctor had the CT from my hospital visit that showed the tumors on my liver and wanted to do a CT after 3 doses of the new chemo drug Kadclya.  I get kadcyla every 21 days so 9wks later I had another CT done and it showed that the tumors had not grown but didn't shrink either so chemo was technically working.  I started to take 2tsp of chloraphyll everyday and 1.5 months later I asked for another CT and it showed that 2/4 tumors were gone and the other 2 had shrunk significantly.  WOW.
My tumor marker had also gone from 78 down to an 11.  So as my body was producing the cancer cells, I was making the environment impossible for those cells grow.  My doctor thought it was great. When I brought the idea to her, she was objective as there are so many "claims" out there on how to beat cancer.  Please don't take this information as a definate cure and stop listening to your doctors.  You should always listen to your doctors advise.  Because the chloraphyll is a naturally produced there is no drug interactions with taking this.  I had bought myself hopefully much longer then another year.  Maybe this will stop working sometime and the cancer cells will become resistant to the chloraphyll  too, but for now I'll take it.  Joe and I are growing much closer again, the kids are happy and wanted to do extra activities.  Neither of us wanted any more commitments but that wasn't fair to the kids.  We put Joey in Taekwondo which he loves.  Genevieve wanted to play the violin, so I put her in suzuki.  I decided that I was going to learn to play the violin too, I thought it would be something fun for her and I to do together, something that if and when I do die she will always remember.  My focus has changed so much over the last year and a half.  I live for my kids as crazy as they make me because I know one day it could all be over.  Healthy people take life for granted, myself included.  Truth is any of us can die at any time from an illness or an accident or just old age, but what are we doing while we are alive to make the difference in someone elses life?  I have met some truly amazing people through this that have helped in so many ways.  That is where God was the whole time, he was providing for us weather it was with food, money, wood, child care, prayer.  I was just so caught up in my darkness that I lost focus of the light.  With that being said, Thank you to everyone that helped me and my family in any way. I have truly been blessed and taken care of.  Without everyone I don't know really where I would be at right now.  Most of all I need to thank God for not giving up on me, for always making sure we had what we needed when we needed it even when I had given up on him.  I know this is a long entry but there was so much to share.  I love you all and am truly honored to have you all as friends.   I hope that my story is one of happiness, laughter, sadness, hope and encouragement.  Anyone reading this that knows someone battling cancer or even yourself share my story.  Heather

(De)Evolution of Doubt

We have both struggled with believing the goodness of God in the midst of all that has occured, and I have faced questions that have surely vexed mankind since Eve agonized over why Cain killed Abel: if God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and completely good, then why did He allow Heather to have this disease?  Furthermore, though the bible makes it clear that He is not the author of sin and its consequences, how can He not ultimately be culpable when He gives the cosmic nod to what does and does not come to pass in His universe? 

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio

That has been the single most problem I've struggled with, and I'm sure it's a product of anger, grief, and the tendency for humans to find someone to blame for our problems.  Blaming gives us somthing tangible to project our anger against, and also gives us meaning to our sufferings: if I can identiful person "X" as the root cause of my circumstances, I do not have to face the fatalism of "just because".  At any rate, last night we were told (via email) for the millionth time to remember the promises of Romans 8:28:

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

or, as I tend to paraphrase it:

"All things work together for good for them who love the Lord."

Aside from "trust God", "I'm (we're) praying for you" and "Jesus is big enough to handle anything", this is one of the most common pieces of advice we are offered to ease our discomfort.  Unfortunately, what the head knows and what the heart feels is often mutually exclusive, and such has been my experience.  Tiny little platitudes do little to assuage the seething anger I feel when I imagine a life without my wife by my side, and our children without their mother.  But for some reason, last night the well-worn Romans verse struck a different chord with me, and I told Heather- "What if this is the best thing for us?  I mean, what if God thinks this is what's best for us right now?" 

What if I lived as if I truly believed that?  If this is the best, then perhaps we should be thankful we haven't experienced anything other than what our Father (lots of childhood issues with that concept, by the way) has for us.  Perhaps "the worst" is far worse than we'll ever know, because He has kept us from it.

And that, my friends, is the de-evolution of doubt.  We shall see where it leads.   

The Plot Thickens...

The past few months have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, unscheduled visits to the ER, and several more surgeries (11 total since Heather was diagnosed).  She completed her radiation treatment earlier this year, and attempted to reconstruct from her bilateral mastectomy, but her body did NOT like the hardware.
  It has been difficult to maintain this blog due to several factors- my inability (or unwillingness) to tap into the perspective it takes for me to write posts of substance, the general length of posts as opposed to Facebook, which I can shoot off much quicker, and my full-time work and school schedule. 
Now that it is summer, and things have changed yet again, though not for the better, I find myself revisiting this blog again.  I figure I can keep it up until Heather or I go on to glory, which I pray is many years from now.
If you haven't heard, Heather was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer as of last month when they found and biopsied four large tumors on her liver.  She was initially admitted for an infection and ended up with renal failure, which led to a CT scan, where they inadvertently found the tumors.  Surprise!!!  Heather's doctor told us that it was likely she was already a Stage 4 patient when she was first diagnosed in January 2013, they just couldn't do the necessary scans to find out until April, as she was pregnant with Josh at the time.  Regardless, Josh is such a happy and healthy baby, we love him so much! 
Blessings to all,
Joe

Happiness is Chemo in Your Rearview Mirror

Actually, happiness is a state of mind (or is it "frame of"?), or so I'm told.  Regardless, happiness hasn't been part of our vocabulary for several weeks now, as Heather has battered her way through weekly chemo treatments of Taxol that have left her in chronic pain and nausea; I initially typed that Heather had "battled her way through weekly chemo" but "battered" is much more appropriate for what she went through.
Chemo drugs work by targeting and killing off rapidly reproducing cells, which is the hallmark of how cancer grows.  Not all rapid cell growth is bad for your body- hair follicles, mouth, and intestinal lining are all parts of our bodies that regenerate quickly, unfortunately this means that those cells are also targeted by chemo as well which is why chemo patients often lose their hair, have nausea and diarrhea, and mouth sores.  In the case of Taxol, the active ingredient is derived from the bark of the Pacific Yew tree, and is cytotoxic, which means it does exactly what it sound like it does.  Essentially Taxol is poisonous to the body- yet the user ingests just enough of it not to kill them, but to kill the cancer.  For those few military history buffs that may remember this from Vietnam (or all you old people), the principle is the medical equivalent of "destroying the village to save it".  Just following orders, sir.

Regular doses of poison coupled with a full time household and all the responsibilities that come along with it have made the past couple months VERY stressful.  Through no fault of her own, Heather has been on bedrest for the majority of her chemo, which makes caring for 4 small children fairly difficult.  I have tried to work when I can but with limited help on the homefront I've tried to split my responsibilities the best I've been able to but never seem to get anything fruitful done.  I put it to one of my co-workers this way:

"I have felt that I've done just enough to do poorly at all of them."

Nonetheless, we've reached the end (hopefully) of Heather's chemo treatments and have passed from death into light (hopefully).  I don't like speaking in absolutes when it comes to good news, so I choose to remain hopeful.  Hopefully.  Next on the treatment plan is radiation five days a week for five weeks, starting in the near future.  Each session should only be a 1/2 hour at most and side effects are said to be minimal, so here's hoping they actually are.  Heather can use the rest and her body can use time to heal up from chemo.  She continues to be an inspiration to me, at least when I'm not being a stubborn mule (to put it kindly).  There are too many times I've been quick to criticize and doubt when I should have supported and loved.  I need to work on that for Heather, for the kids, for no other reason than if I can't ease her pain, I surely can see to it that she'll never walk alone again.      



From One Marine to Another

I'm no cancer survivor expert, but I offered my experiences to a friend of mine with whom I served with in the Marines, he recently wrote me after his fiancee was diagnosed with cancer.  Maybe this will be a small bit of help to someone out there.

"Bummer for sure- we are still in treatment but things are looking better for us. The number 1 rule is to be FLEXIBLE! There are so many factors to consider like treatment, lab work, tests, paperwork, ect that it is very unlikely that you will be able to plan out the next few months. Take it day by day, and sometimes hour by hour. Your fiancee may feel good in the a.m. and bad in the p.m. or vice versa, just stay flexible and know that it will get better eventually. Also, get used to hospital visits and long waits, it'll happen. Another thing I learned is to take any news about her condition from the docs with a grain of salt as it may be subject to change or may be wrong altogether. We have received updates on Heathers condition that have changed several times as other tests are done and new information is reviewed. So yeah, stay flexible and don't expect concrete answers, there's always another test to do.  Oh yeah, when all is said and done, how do you want to remember how you handled the stress and experience of having cancer? You guys will still fight and argue some, that's normal, but still try to remember that when times are tough and stress is high. Let me know how things go."

When we found out that Heather had cancer, I knew that my art would have a place somewhere in the emotional storm that we found ourselves awash in, I just didn't know when, where, or how it would come to pass. Last night everything seemed so right- Heather, Josh, and I were in bed and there was some really amazing and clean window light that gave a sense of depth to these photos. I haven't felt like shooting much with my DSLR as of late and my creativity has been sapped by an overall lack of purpose for my art.  These photos started out as a fun little snapshot session, but after Heather and Josh went to sleep, I couldn't turn off my mind, and this is the result.  Much of my favorite art photos I've taken are a melding of spontaneity and good composition.  I thank God for my gift, and for my family.
P.S.- If you want to view it full size just click on it.

Good News Today

We've been anxiously awaiting the results from Heathers bone biopsy last week as our future hung on by a infinitesimal thread- Stage IV or remission?  After several months of guessing games, I think we've come to the point where we try to rest in the moment as much as possible.  We made it through last week fairly well and had an almost normal few days, which was great though yesterday I was struck by an immense wave of sadness because I knew that the biopsy results would be back within the next few days and the possibility of Heather being terminal was very real.  I was morose, smiling politely at customers, but I'm willing to bet that my eyes betrayed what my forced smile was trying to cover up.  Talking to Heather later in the evening seemed to help and I was soon in manageable state of mind- enough so to do some yardwork.  
It's odd, but when the sun is shining, steak is on the grill, and your wife is happy, dark days fade away- and yet, they are never really gone, just overpowered by the happiness of the moment.  Anyway, today the clouds parted and we got some good news- the biopsy came back negative for cancer so as of 5/14/2012 Heather is in remission.  After bouts of excitment and unrestrained relief, we both know that it's time to buckle down and carry on with the mission- chemotherapy weekly for 12 weeks, both Taxol and Herceptin, then Herceptin every three weeks for a year.  Heather is a tough girl- she stood up to cancer and refused to let it take her baby, and her body bears the beautiful scars of a battle well fought.  We've fallen many times within the last few months, but the love and support of our family (yes, all of you who read this) has sustained us in our lowest moments.  Life goes on and we'll take it as it comes.  What else is there to do, but to live?